loves

here i am alone at school. i was an hour late for a two hour lecture, and because i felt so insecure about entering the hall, risking 99 pairs of eyes on me and my messy, half-bunned hair, partially see-through top (which i didnt realise was see-through till i was on the bus this morning), same pair of jeans i wore yesterday, looking a drag as i lugged my stuffed oversized, already bulky bag slung over my right shoulder, and staggering with a right-angled-cornered ibm in my other arm.

sometimes i hate coming to school. especially when i feel alone, (that's when i AM alone, physically. or when im surrounded by people i hardly know, and don't want to get to know because they're always so hyperly bimbotic.) and i cant keep that pretense up. all those perfect people with their perfect hair and perfect clothes that never ride up, never being being caught excited (in an ugly fashion) because they're all too ice-princess to show too much emotion that would get their faces all flushed, thus not perfect. But that's boring, and i am, and can't ever be that composed.

everyone has their insecurities. some hide it better than others, thats all.

and i wished sean was there with me. one of the few who's seen my ugly stupid side, seen me at the darnest times doing pathetic things, and still loves me, even though he pretends to be grossed out by my manly touch. its hard to find people who would laugh at how horsey you look, and yet huddle with you under your sheets once you mention ghost. people who would sit for hours with you at long john silver's and teach you eating etiquette and lose their appetite at all the weirdos walking past. i know he'll stand by me all the way no matter how much we've argued/had cold wars/had not-so-cold wars/disagreements on warpedness. and i love him.

and i wished soongfee was there. bestfriend who poked me silly on the first day i met her. poking someone till they giggled is actually a form of physiological rape. you break through the person's shell, and penetrate to get to know the real, raw her. something like that anyway. yes, my bestie who knows all of my secrets. a little late most of the time, but still. she has exclusive rights. all those heart to heart talks and being together through thick and thin. low maintenance, but it's all about udnerstanding. and i love her and her small eyes and bloody loose hips. i know she'll jump into the ocean for me, or at least lend me her new clothes, all the time.

and tiffany darling, the stiff one. both of us being dragged through shit and doing secondary school shit together. sf poked my ribs, i pinched tiffany. slipping and falling down in mrt stations and ending up 180 degrees the other way round, school skirt flying with a security camera right in front. and pretending to be my mom and calling up my teacher. smsslvd quite slow and cant balance in mrt trains. and ever so annoying, and whining all the time and half driving me up the wall with her shrill nasal (yes NASAL) voice. but its good that i have an honest enough friendship to tell her that straight to her face. and whenever i get annoyed with her. you're loved very much annoying, slow, shrill voiced tiffiefattieleggie.

eleanor the nun, the primary school bestie. her and her poke-out-peoples-eyeballs-with-chopsticks. she'll be there when i need her. lovelove.

and linglee, the one with lame jokes. the bunking over, her mothers' chicken wings, the porn downloads, the showers, the deflatable uninflatable boobs, the constant blurrness, the raw stupidity, the exchange of her ever juicy past relationships, the nipless plaster make dos, the comparison of everything-under-the-sun-and-hidden. tweeeeeyouuu. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

ling lee reads this and says: fuck u.

me: yeah, thats the only thing she's familiar with. fucking.

ling lee says and goes back to the computer: what the fuck!

me: see what i mean.

i love her fatter and whiter, bloody thin bar of white chocolate. i have to put up with her the entire weekend. god save me.

and janiceeee. darling darling watermelon. my xiao long bao - soft on the outside, and totally tantalising on the inside, wet juicy and as spunky as loads of vinegar. my safra hunk mate. she's such a wonderful blurr and real darling. always pouting and hur-ing like nobodies business. and being so silly with me, i.e. trying on curtains at British India as skirts, going mad over the stupidest things. thinking of her makes me smile. darn how she's taken by her 'elf dear'. shudders. i love my darling patara babe.

rachel sweetie. so innocent and such a goodie-two-shoe, not. i dont even want to start talking about how wild we could get. (:

jonathan the non-existant close friend who now has a girlfriend and doesnt long distance kor me anymore. how it used to be us and stupid dumb shit between saxpunk69 and fg87. ah. but i remember how much his parents liked me, steph the nice girl. :D always ready to smack me in the head to straighten me up, over my constant loony warpedness. go weed. another secret keeper. muchos loved.

reka the crazyone who always makes me smile. even though i dont want to. hah.

and everyone else who i can't recall at 3.31am in the morning.

i hate poly. i should have stayed in jc where everything would have been much simpler. no, wait. i should have stayed in primary school, where the worse that could happen was the annoying rattler dobbed on you for throwing an eraser at her head.

we could close the curtains, pretend like there's no world outside