shooting stars

updates.

1. my auntie (dad's oldest brother's wife) has passed away. she'd been suffering from cancer for quite some time. it sucks. it honestly sucks. im not even all that close with her, so i didnt think i'd be that affected by her death. but i am. funny thing is, for the 6 years i've been here, i've been living just a 5 minute walk away from their family. and i only see them during chinese new year. maybe once or twice when i bump into them along the road when i go blading or jogging. but that's it. and when she's in hospital, sedated with morphine, and suffering, we see her every day, more times in 3 weeks, than all these years added up. ironic huh. today is the 3rd day of her wake. and it's been hectic. going to her wake everyday to give my uncle and his 2 children (oldest kid's like, sec2). just spending time with them. she died from pancreaes cancer, which later on spread to her liver. so her liver broke down and so did the rest of her organs. but anyway. even though the make up guy came to touch up on her makeup, it's obvious that her skin's turned green. she was a teacher in HCJC and SRJC. a chinese teacher. and i was, shocked/surprised at the number of ex-students who came to the wake. it was nice i guess.

anyway, the pastor today was a chinese one. so he was asking if anyone wanted to say anything before he went on with his scripture reading. my uncle, his kids, her sisters, her ex-student (just one) went up to say a few stuff. like how she's touched their lives, spurred them on and such. as i mentioned earlier, we werent that close. she's nice. but i cant think of anyway that my life's been directly and significantly touched by her existance. and then, the pastor started talking, and i got a revelation. he was talking in chinese. AND, i understood the stuff he was saying. which is, cool.

anyway, i regretted at that point in time that i never said goodbye and a i love you to her when i left the hospital one day before she died. i thought i could say it the next day, cuz i wasnt in a very good mood. the next time i saw her, it was at the wake. i regretted deeply. and i cried while the guy was talking. i really wanted to share that little thing of mine with everyone else, cuz i didnt want to regret an additional thing. but i was afraid, and embarrassed. the timefor sharing was over. i didnt want to barge on stage and take the mic from the fellow and bawl to everyone. so i spoke to God, and told him to pushpushprodprod an opportunity for me to go up there, invited. if he did open such a chance, then i would go up there and make the crowd bawl along with me.

the chance came. the pastor said we had a little more time, so who would like to go up. i was, slightly hesitant. but i knew, that i had to go up there, to the podium and speak to everyone and basically, get all the regret and guilt out of my system before i regret it for the rest of my life. so i went up there. and as i opened my mouth. tears got stuck in my throat and my voice was stuck somewhere in my gullet as well. it was excruciatingly hard forcing the words out of my mouth as i introduced who i was and the two things i regreted. firstly, at Christamas last year when my aunt was still not-so-bad. she sat next to me for the lunch. but i was too afraid to talk to her, or even look at her. cuz i felt guilty. guilty for being healthy and living. while she was suffering with terminal cancer. the last words she said to me before she became heavily drugged with morphine was "pray for me, now?" and it's all just so painfully fucked up. it just hurts. second regret was yeah. at the hospital and i never got a chance to say one last "love you and i'll be praying for you". because i was MOODY. imagine how that eats at my guts. not telling someone before they die from haemmoraging that you love them, just because you were moody. so anyway.

there i was confessing my sins in front of strangers and not so-distant relatives. i broke down on the stage, halfway through my little speeech. i managed not to swear into the microphone. i did of course. mouthed it really. i hate crying. i hate crying in front of people. i hate crying in front of strangers. not just bcuz, my eyes and nosegets all red and puffy, but also cuz, umm. i dont like feeling weak in front of everybody else. act brave. yes yes. but i couldnt keep up that facade any longer. i really wish i had told her those 2 short simple sentences before she left the world. though i know she's up there in heaven listening and watching all of us. but it's not the same.

2. shooting star- dad's staying over tonight. so the little women (mom, sis's, me) came home. i looked at the night sky. and stood there for twenty mintes in my garden watching the sky. it's just so pretty. it has been lately. i think it's bcuz the weather;'s been so hot, so cloud cover is minimal in the day as well as night. loads of stars. and you know what? i saw my first shooting star tonight. very small, very quick. very pretty. very nice.

3. my parents, naggy and mean as they may be, are pretty nice. they knocked sense into my screwed up, confused, weak mind of mine. which is good. im glad they're there. im sorta glad they found out. in a way. besides the fact that they are extremely disappointed and sad about what i've done. i feel, liberated. from the secret. and from it. it. it. it. they hate it anyway. which is good. nice to know that ultimaely, they're on my side.

4. debate last week was great. went back to PHS to help them. funny thing was st. andrew's didnt know they were in B div till minutes before the competition started. it was a lousy debate really. for B div. but i shall train my babieeeeeeeeeees. the st. andrew's ex-debators were flirting with a couple of people. haha. magic boobs. works every time.

5. been going to the gym a lot. twice a week weekly is a lot to me. im usually a one off sorta person when it comes to mundane, repeated stuff. i.e. going to the gym. i dont hate it. it's just, not fun. its funny how once, i've lost an asshole who was so keen on me staying fit, having drive for life, and going to the gym. once i've lost that. i've got all my drive back. honestly. been pushing myself happily at the gym. though i honestly hate myself at that point in time for punishing my fat wobbly body to its limits. but i feel soooooooo good after coming that close to killing myself.

6. so, i've lost someone. but he's not worth the tears. he's such a jerk, that he's not worth anything i gave and did. i'm getting someone else back. he's always been valued more than the other bloke. and, im happy. cuz i've missed him. a lot a lot. im happy. imagine, being happy. when you're hp's been confiscated. pocket money reduced to 4 buckeroos a day. freedom been locked up. no internet, majorly restricted usage anyway. parents dont wanting you to return to your churchm like, new creation. parents wanting me to return to mom's church. (i dont have friends there, yes, i know the people, but i dont want to act oh-so-friendly, hide my true self, and act like a bible-abiding, good, innocent, clean-minded girl. which im not) people passing away. parents crying and giving you pap talks everyday. and yet, you're happy. well darn contented where life is right now, though its a hell of a shit hole. it's funny. i would be happier with my handphone back. i am major majorly popular amongst human kind, and i neeeeeed my handphone to keep in contact with all my loyal fans. yay. oh just adore me.