look for the girl with the broken smile

i would be like that sf if i wasnt so freaked..

the word i was fumbling for just now was overwhelming..

yeah, i know, i dont express myself and my deep dark thoughts that much.. my desires.. my dreams.. my wants.. it's all locked up in my head.. in fact, the lock's opened.. you're the key.. (that sounds so corny, right now im in a not so good mood, and all i wanna do is scream a bad BAD word, but i shan't.. cuz, it's the truth) you're the key.. the box is still closed, though not locked.. thoughts are still seeping out, though slowly, through the litte keyhole.. its not like im not sharing everything with you.. i do want to.. i really want to.. and its not like i dont feel comfortable enough with you to tell you everything.. i am.. i can have deep thoughtful talks with tif and sf, openly, and quite many too.. but not him.. why? cuz he's not a chick? heh.. that's how jon interpreted it.. i feel so stupid.. so useless.. so disappointed in myself.. you're so right.. as usual.. are you happy now? are you happy now? are you happy now? sigh.. its not like im using the 'are you happy now' phrase against you.. i know it wasnt intentional to make me upset.. but i am.. extremely.. im sorry that i feel this way.. i cant help it!

its overwhelming.. you're overwhelming.. the first time, when i was entranced by your thoughts and all, it was overwhelming.. huge inbalance btwn both.. let hell break loose! oh god.. sigh

was gonna cry just now.. couldnt think straight on the phone.. what was i thinking of? do you really wanna know? oh, and i'll get a 'that's the worst thing that could happen?!' again.. what could be worse.. i dont know.. maybe im sick and tired of all these ups and downs.. or maybe im not.. maybe im only feeling this depressed when im really down.. havent felt this way ever, before.. guess there's always a first time for everything..

'chocolate(when im me, then strawberry(when girly), then banana(when hungry) and lastly, watermelon(when thirsty)'.. dx.. heart plummeted to the floor.. everything has to be stable first right.. think it is now?

what if i cant match up to the interlectual level.. feel like such a fucking airheaded bimbo who cant think, or rather, thinks but cant express herself, goes after thinking, highly intelligent and expressive guys, and later get dumped by them.. happily ever after. the end..

who's being demanding here.. is it me? is it he? shrugs. maybe neither.. miscommunication then.. ah HAH! exactly.. and the reason why there's such a vacuum, is cuz im not opening up.. i do want to.. i've been trying for 2 months now.. yes, i have tried.. tried putting my mind to it.. but everytime i talk, everything else gets erased.. all i wanna do is look at him.. thats another reason why im not so keen on moing..

i mean, yeah, im feeling that little tremble in my heart again.. you know what? fuck to private blogs.. this is MY blog.. its my FUCKING blog.. i can write whatver the hell i want to state up here, for the whole fucking entire world to see.. i dont care who reads my private thoughts and emotions.. if its about you, and im bitching about you, well, tough. dont read it.. if its good stuff about you, well, highlight it, bold it and save it into your computer.. cuz at the rate im going, im not gonna have a lot of good stuff to say about people..

i just got off the phone with a friend.. was attempting to tell her how down i was.. she was like 'omg.. oc's starting! i wanna watch' so i hung up with her.. my voice was breaking as i said bye and i burst into tears.. i had been holding it in me for so long.. all pent up..

god, im feeling ever so fucked right now.. its not exactly a direct thing.. its more like some indirect fuck-mobile banging into walls, and the walls hit other walls, sets off and just keep crashing down around me.. the domino effect.. wish they could smash down on me, squash me, kill me.. i mean, if you're world is falling apart totally, wouldnt you wanna leave with it, instead of being the only last standing survivor and live in misery? and then, i thought of Jesus.. and i cheered up.. so no matter what tempting thoughts i have in my mind.. i shant give in to them.. cuz i have Jesus.. He has me in His hands.. and nothing could ever beat that.. nothing could ever be more than secure and safe than His awesome and unfailing love.. He's always there for me, and will never forsake me.. im alright now.. I have my Daddy.. maybe i shall become a nun.. the bride of Jesus. now that's a thought..

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he's a very indepth thinker, and he expresses himself really well
he expresses his emotions, his dreams, his desires and all that
i cant do that
i do think in depth.. a lot
i cant express as much as he can
so
usually
he's the one domineering the whole conversation:
not that i complaining
i enjoy listening
so
he said
that i dont understand him the way he thought i would
and
that he wants to hear me express my deep thoughts
it was on the phone just now
so
he said
tell me your dreams and desires and wants in life
you cant just demand it out of me just like that!
i did talk some stuff
but. they arent as deep as he goes
we didnt fight
its like
im feeling as though i cant match up with his interlectual, or rather, expressing level
he stated it this way
'i used to think that you were a thinker, you are, but you dont express it very much with me'
alarm bellls went off in my head
the past tense!! past tense.. gosh..
its like
worst case scenario
the break up line
fuck
i was almost gonna cry
and then
i called up her later
5 mins into the convo
she was like 'the OC started.. i wanna go watch'
so i hung up with her.. my voice was breaking as i said bye
and i burst into tears