it's two forty three am on a saturday morning.. i've just hung up with kwanzheng, someone who sleeps by midnight everyday! heh, feel bad for keeping him awake.. but thanks anyway k.. he called cuz i was feeling ever so down.. i cried 4 times today! grr.. told zx the whole truth.. i will never love/like him as much as he loves/like me.. i guess i hurt him real bad.. i mean, i hate hate hate making people sad.. usually, i would rather lie and make him happy.. but, i think, right now, i have to think for myself.. for my own happiness? yeah.. must be selfish.. hur.. gotta be cruel to be kind.. had a nice talk with robert about zx.. he says that zx caught a big fish, too big for him to handle.. i tried explaining to zx that we wouldnt work out, cuz he and i are so different.. which is true.. not looking down or being ignorant or anything, but chineses speakers relatively have a myopic point of view, opposed to english speakers/thinkers.. communication, to me, is very important.. with zx, what he talks about most of the time, i miss you/ i love you/i miss you/ i miss you.. okay, yes we did talk about other stuff, i.e. his secondary school, some gang fights and all.. but okay, he WAS trying to make an attempt to talk to me, but i was like, uhhuh, oh really, wow, okay, mmMMmm, ah, yes, cool.. superficial talk i guess.. i was trying to be nice.. trying hard to make a connection and to see his life from his point of view.. but with kwanzheng, im like whoa.. i am simply blown, totally blown away by him.. we can talk about everything under the sun.. like, everything! ehv-vry-thi-ying.. im blown away by everything he says, and the thing is, it's stuff that i think about myself, and have the same idea about.. it's like, 'shit, you think that way too?!?' its pretty amazing, but i'll get to that later on..

i went out for dinner with him yesterday, nydc, holland village.. had a terrible bout of butterflies-in-stomach which came about like 4 hours before i met him.. i bathed at 5, but i dont know why i only left the house at 6.30.. yes tiffany, laugh.. but i swear i did have a shower before i went out.. haha.. got caught in a jam along bukit timah road.. was half an hour late.. damn.. tif and sean, yes, laugh.. hur.. im always late no matter how early i prepare myself.. was staring at the stars at the bus stop, waiting for him to arrive.. when he did, i did a double take.. whoa.. does he look better than i remembered him to be, or is that some other guy.. yes, im bad at faces.. was reaaaaaally shy at first.. like, 'dont trip over your feet steph', 'dont fall into a drain' yadda yadda.. i DID miss 2 steps out of three outside nydc later on though.. heh.. on the bus to holland v, i got the honour to take a look (think:scrutinize) his ezlink card.. told him i wouldnt laugh.. mentally prepared myself for the worst shock.. three eyes, no nose and a mouth on his forehead.. but as i opened my eyes, heh, burst out laughing.. whoa.. he changed SO much.. like, yeah, same eye brows, eyes, nose and mouth, but wow.. he was like 'puipui' (borrowed phrase from my sisters meaning fat), and yellow.. like steamed slightly stale tofu.. hah! but now he's like, much slimmer, his cheekbones are more well defined, tanned.. -drools- kinda felt bad, cuz it reminded me of my classmate back in melb, who nobody liked.. honkee guy, called eamon, but we called him fatman.. brought back some memories of my friends then, but i brushed them away.. didnt want to zonk out into my world with this blank look on my face.. no no.. anyway, got to nydc without making too much of a klutz of myself, i hope.. -shudders- never been to holland village more than 2 times in my life, the night there is pretty interesting.. wanted to walk around the place a little, but didnt.. mushroom spaghetti for me, which was just fabulous, but his baked rice, oh god, yum..yum..yum.. never eaten at nydc before, so it was a cool experience.. gosh, i feel like a total mountain tortoise right now.. heh.. chatted on and on.. to the extent of him forsaking his food.. oh, smacks head, just remembered, i got psyched into debate mood some time in the early evening, which wasnt too good i guess.. okay shit, shut up steph, relax.. you have to be yourself.. burped once or twice, short not too loud ones which was fine.. and thanks sean for your eating etiquette classes at long john silvers.. tried to eat like a normal female, not some girly manly girl.. haha.. meanie sean! music was blasting, people were practically shouting over the music so that they could be heard, which didnt help add to the ambience.. so, he brought me to coffee club.. think that's what its called.. oh, and before that, i told him all i knew about nydc was that they had really good cheese cake, (haha, tif), then he said he think's i'd rather a mudpie.. something richer, more sensual, rather than a light cheesecake.. i was like, whoa.. i definately knocked me off balance.. how the hell did he know!?! i was like thinking 'oh.my.god.oh.wow.oh.kay.hmm.gosh.' firstly, i had absolutely no idea that the coffee club had a second storey.. secondly, it was SO beautiful.. going up the steep narrow spiral staircase.. and right before your very eyes, a cosy setting, the lighting was perfect, so was the music, round comfy couches with pillows.. took a seat and he sat next to me.. thump thump, thump thump.. breathe innnnnn, and out. innnnnnnnnn, out.. relaxed.. ordered this rich, chewy chocolate brownie topped off with vanilla ice cream.. oh man.. really good.. wow.. talk about cloud nine.. great food, great chair (my ass is very delicate), great music, great company.. ah yes the company.. hmm.. nearly died and gone to heaven while sitting there.. i mean, yes, i DID poke fun at his puny eyes, which arent that small after all.. but wow.. when he smiles, okay, his whole face lights up.. he made me blush a whole lot too.. very flattered.. but, hell, i've never blushed so much before.. hur.. it's either he's got a freaking sugar coated tongue or i dunno.. talked and talked and talked.. ice cream melted, but it tasted good still.. he freaked out when he dripped ice cream on my jeans, that was funny.. i felt so comfortable when i was with him.. usually, there ought to be awkward silences, jitters or something.. but this, wow.. perfect.. not the typical, heart fluttering, cant breathe help me sort of feeling.. more like, heart thumping, no nervousness, comfortable, right at home thingamajjig. wow... him cooking a full 5 course meal for me? wow..
at the bus stop.. okay, crossing the overhead bridge.. he asked me smthn.. cant remember what.. but my reply was 'im actually freaked at what im feeling' and no, it didnt come out nice and smooth like that, more like halting and gah, a pause after every word.. hmm.. so i've dreamt of him before i even met him.. cool.. happened before.. but the thing is, after i woke.. i wrote some stuff about it into my journal.. hmm. any idea what its like, to find someone, or rather, he find you, and he's exactly what you've been seraching for all your life? i dunno.. maybe 17's a lil too young to be thinking this sort of thing but hell, i am thinking! hur. hell, i mean.. i have my targets, my aims, worst, my biological clock is running out.. i so do not want my kid's chance of being a down's syndrome kid to be dramatically increased.. neither do i want a huge age gap.. marry young (below 24), have kids young (below 25), enjoy life.. okay.... hur.. shoots, getting carried away.. heh.. more like getting swept off my feet, but trying to keep it stuck on firm ground.. hur.. his poems for me.. very sweet.. wow.. thank you..
four forty three in the morning.. good night sean.. go to sleep..