I'm finding my way back to sanity again

though I don't really know what I am gonna do when I get there

take a breath and hold on tight

spin around one more time and

gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say

and even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright

alright with me 'cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door

and listen to you breathing

is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows of my mind

into the truth and I'm trying to identify the voices in my head

God, which one's you let me feel one more time

what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off me

one more time

I don't want a thing from you

bet you're tired of me waiting for the straps to fall off your table

to the ground

I just want to be here now




ok i have finally realized that there's no turning back for us.. that what i hoped for isnt going to happen.. again.. my smoky bubble of dreams is pricked with a sharp needle of reality.. why.. why must this happen all over and over again? like some evil deja vu haunting my life.. not letting escape from its fantasies of sick psychological and emotional torture.. i get it now.. after everything my friends have told me.. thanks.. we arent gonna end up together.. he's not ready? im not ready.. yet.. what we've done.. is just a major contrast to what we think.. huge contradictions.. right.. so if i get this now.. why cant i accept the fact and just brush him away from my mind.. just forget him totally.. everything.. i dont want to think.. he asked me what we shuld do now.. and i know the right thing is to just leave it be.. right click, delete, empty recycle bin.. but its not something i can just do so simply! im not mechanical! im a girl! the only times i dont think about is when im talking with friends or blasting heavy metal.. but that doesnt take up majority of my time.. toilet, bus, computer, eating, in bed, reading, whatever.. every other time.. i cant stop thinking.. i dont know what to do.. ok., so i do know what i have to do.. but i can bring myself to do it.. right click, delete, empty recycle bin.. so now.. we still can talk.. just normal friends.. JUST FRIENDS.. i heard that over used phrase so many times now.. just friends with jonathan. just friends with him.. nothing is ever just normal anymore.. people always tink its easy to forget the past and to be normal friends like before.. its impossible. especially when its gotten to this stage.. sigh..

if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine. if it had a home it would be my eyes would you believe me? you better believe I tried to beat this.. when will this end it goes on and on over and over and over again.. keep spinning around I know it won't stop till I step down.. i guess i was wrong.. time this is a sick cycle carousel..

cant stop thinking of the chat sean and i had yesterday. iT wAs rEaLi fArNiE dE wOrX.. rEaDiNg oUt lOuD hOw d oTheR pPl tYpE tHeIr wOrDs tO aCt cUtE CuTe wAn hOrX.. tHaT SiAo sIaO bOi BoI kEpT lUfFiNg aT d wAe i sAy oUt lOuD tHeIr tEsTi's lOrHx.. kEkEX.. sAe tAt i oNlI uSe mY gOod eNglAnd tO sHoW oFf, aNd pReTenD tAt mY cHinEsE vErY bAd tO mAke bIg BiG d sHoW mOrE taT mY eNgLaNd sOlId dE wAnX.. sO pAisEh wAnx.. tHen hE oSo sAe tAt i cHiO dE wAnX.. i sO gAndOnG gAndOnG tAt i lUfF LuFf aBiT ThAn SaE tAt hE aLwAe sO nIcE aNd sWeEt lIke cHoColAtE lIdAt.. bUd oF cOz, nOt aS bRoWn aNd dArK aS cHoColaTe mAhx.. hE whItE wHiTe lYk tOfU lIdAt.. kEkEx.. wE tOkeD oN tHe pHoNe tIl 5 iN d mOrNiNg ThAn gO sLeEp.. gOoDiE bUaIxXx..

mUz gO cHuRcH aLrEadY tO mEeT sEaN tAt aSs aNd tIfFaNy tAt DildO.. kEkEx.. mY fWenz aRhx sAe tAt tIfFanY's hEad, cUte cUte, SmAlL sMaLl, lIkE a pEa wAnZ! sO fArnIe dE hOrx.. oKoK.. mUsT gO aLrEaDy.. iF nOt, tHoSe pPle sUrE kIlL mE dE WoRx.. tHaN, yOu aLl wOn'T hAf mI aLready tO cRaP wItH.. mUsT wEar tHe sAiNts sHiRt iF nOt tAt bOi BoI suRe aNgRy waNx.. kEkEX..