nothing more than a friend

to boy:

why do you do this to me? you're always messing up my head like this.. if you know that you ought to be direct, truthful and honest with me right? you say that you wanna clear things up with me every time you tell me that we can't be more than friends.. yeah, no doubt i thank you with all my heart for putting things straight with me.. its happened many times, like four freaking goddamn times, and yet you brought my hopes up four freaking goddamn times.. WHY? i mean, if you sincerely want to get things clear with me, why drag me through this mess of you being indecisive.. you have ANY idea how it feels to fly, no SOAR to heaven one minute and later CHOKESLAMMED back down onto earth's cold and hard ground? yes, you did that to me, not once not twice not thrice but FOUR freaking goddamn times..

ok, i know i shouldn't hold it against you, and the thing is i dont.. i honestly, truthfully don't.. first time, (the forgiveable time), it was in 2001, before miss elaine lee's wedding.. i hinted like crazy (being the indirect girl i am), you TOLD me like crazy (being the direct guy you are).. and later, after her wedding, POOF, you go get karin.. i was like trying desperately hard to deal with the fact that you chose a lesbian over me. right. still trying to deal with it.. but there's just somethings you will just never understand in life, i guess.. i did mention the "lesbian over me" thing to you, but you dismissed it and told me not to think of it that way because it wasn't like that..