i hate you, ok so i dont, i never will be able to

With one light on in one room
I know you're up when I get home
With one small step upon the stair
I know your look when I get there
If you were a king up there on your throne
would you be wise enough to let me go
for this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
wants to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go

The unread book and painful look
the tv's on, the sound is down
One long pause
then you begin
oh look what the cat's brought in
If you were a king up there on your throne
would you be wise enough to let me go
for this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
wants to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go
let me leave

For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now
and I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow
and all the time I'm thinking, thinking

I want to be a hunter again
want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go.
-----------------------------------------------------------

that's it.. im over him, i will get over him.. out of my head, out of my mind.. GET out! i hate you..

there's just somethings which you cant even tell your closest pals.. especially if its about them, even if they insist on knowing, some stuff are better left unsaid.. which makes me think, what stuff are considered private? how do you define something or regard it sensitive? what if its essential to let the person know? or what if your DESPERATE to let the person know about it?

maybe.. maybe if i hadn't ever told him about those stuff, everything else would have been different now... sure, we would be just as distant.. but at least, i would have moced on from him.. instead of harbouring some little insy teeny weeny little hope(?) of being with him.. what was i thinking???? him...RIGHT...

but the thing that makes me so pissed is HIM, itself.. the re-incarnated devil..

fag says that i should be direct with boy what i think and feel and just tell him straight in the face..

imagine if i really came clean with him and told him that i get suicidal if he had someone else.. and judging by the number of girl's he's had already i should have died in hell by now and gone to the 18th level or something..

thing is.. ONE: he'll be so freaked by it..
TWO: he'll probably feel a bigger obligation to me as if its his duty to ensure thati was alrighht? oh hell, he doesnt give a damn about me anyway.. probabaly be happy if i died or something.. right? ok fine.. im being bitter now.. which i am.. THANK you boy for doing this to me again.. numbing me to the immense pain you've dragged me through.. you numbed me once, but you melted it once i told you about how i felt.. and this time, im going to stay numbed forever.. i hate you.. how can you do this to me?!

last year, when i told him that i liked him? and how he said something like "oh, i knew it cuz you were hinting all so obviously" and you broke my heart, when you told me you had feelings for me too.. and later on, guess what happened, you went on and fooled around. its now like i owbn you, just cuz i like you.. and i know that i have no right whatsoever over what you do, who you date, what you say..its just that im confused of why i have to feel this way.. as though i should stop you from doing what you do.. if i never had you, then why do i feel as though i've lost you. again and again?

so thank you for clearing it up with me. you didnt have to play mr nice guy again. you know i hate that.. i've lost faith in guys now, again.. thanks to you, again.. thank you for ruining the rest of my life..

*did my stuff again*

think my mom saw it.. i caught her staring at it this afternoon when i helped her take the grocery bags....shit..